Deaths due to grocery store aisle rage
(ever since they started taping free TASERs to 1 litre cartons of walnut milk, it's been a real problem in
Korea)
Country Western bars named after major
Nazi war criminals. (It's embarrassing to say but you can get a good brisket
on a bun at the Herman Goring Hoedown and ReichStampede
in Jongno. I'd walk on broken glass for a basket of
their KristallNachos.)
Holders of graduate-level degrees from
Lego Hagwons (might have something to do with SNU
recently purchasing the Let's Lego
Academy of the International and turning it into a degree granting
institution)
Exports of 16 gb
thumb drives shaped like pick-a-ninnies.
Knock knock
jokes based on "park" puns.
Knock knock.
Who is there?
Pak.
Pak who?
Pak who? Pak you buddy and the Hyundai Equus
you rode in on!
Fatal traffic accidents involving no less
than two drivers dressed as Hanna Barbera
characters. (You might remember the big scandal in 2006. The Korea Standards
Association was bribed to certify a batch of Hong Kong Phooey novelty winter
caps as crash-rated motorcycle helmets)
Famous and Important Korean Inventions in the 20th
Century
The Wedding Hall (invented in 1952,
before the wedding hall people the world over got married in barns or sea
side in Hawaii)
The lemon zester
(invented in 1943, injuries from people trying to zest their lemons with
forks has dropped to almost zero in the last five decades thanks to Korea).
Single purpose refrigerators (Contrary to
popular belief, the kimchi fridge was not the first
single-purpose fridge on the market. The kimchi
fridge was technically the first commercially successful single purpose
fridge. Before hitting with the kimchi fridge, LG
first tried a fridge to keep chewed gum fresh.)
The child-proof childhood. (There have
been only three documented cases of an adult born after 1950 claiming to have
had a memorable and enjoyable childhood.)
The sneeze-guardless
buffet table. VIPS introduced it in 1983 and other family buffet restaurants
quickly followed its lead.
Additional Holidays Slated to Lose Red Day Status This
Year
Dowoomi도우미Girl Appreciation Day (50ish ajusshis fought hard to keep this one but gave it up in
return for a tax deduction every time they spread their legs wide open on the
subway)
Pump
Your Own Gas Day (Given filling up involves 14
people attending to your car, Korea was no longer happy with the 8% dip in GDP that resulted from
giving all those gas station people the day off)
Teacher
Bribe Day Eve, Teacher Bribe Day, Teacher Bribe Boxing Day, and Teacher Bribe Day Monday (hagwon teacher never got this string of red days off so
it might not hurt us as much)
According to Travel and Tourism Asia magazine, Koreans' top
five least favorite activities when on vacation in a foreign nation are:
5: Being asked to give free Korean
lessons to Filipinos
4: Having to travel more than 120
kilometers from their hotel rooms to find a Korean restaurant.
3: Locals having no knowledge of Dokdo or the EastSea.
2: The local tap water lacks a pleasant
and familiar rusted metal taste.
1: Evidence Autumn exists outside of
Korean territorial waters.
Korea is the only nation on earth to:
Urge The Hague to
declare Jed Clampett a war criminal. (I guess some Naver message board denizens misunderstood a Beverly
Hillbillies youtube clip and things quickly got out
of hand.)
Think high cheekbones are an unattractive
facial feature
Remove "Failing to stop for
emergency vehicles" from the criminal code and instead add "stopping
for emergency vehicles" to the criminal code
Completely vaccinate its elderly
population against color coordination and dressing age appropriately. (I
believe they misunderstood a World Health Organization directive to eliminate
polio.)
Dual zone major intersections as both
traffic thoroughfares and children's play grounds.
Little Known Korean Intangible Cultural Assets
Intangible Asset # 386: The smoker's
cough
Intangible Asset # 445: The white
poly-cotton blend short sleeved dress shirt.
Intangible Asset # 177: Screaming under a
foreigner's officetel window at 3 am
on a Tuesday night.
Hilary
Clinton (born Kim MyungHee in Daegoo and was adopted
by American Lutheran missionaries)
BarackObama (son
of a Korean woman and an American GI. Fact: His Korean grandfather entered
his name in the family 호적registry, and Obama
is still required to do his military service if he ever sets foot on Korean
soil again. He might get a position in the KATUSAS. Maybe.)
Bolt… as in Bolt the Dog. He's actually a Jindo
dog illegally smuggled out of Korea.
YaleUniversity: Basically every student in every graduating class since 1984 and
every assistant professor since 1990 has been Korean. (Based on a survey of
teacher resumes on file at Gangnam English
academies.)